i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
