either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need a burrito and a hug.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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