AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
