So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
