I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
