I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize