I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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