My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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