Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
