Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
