You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize