If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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