dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
