I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
