no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Everything about him screamed your future.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
