I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
