Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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