you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
