Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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