Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
