Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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