So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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