I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
