hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just had sex bonerless
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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