Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
