I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize