We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
