I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize