fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What a dumb baby whore.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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