2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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