I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
