im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
