I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
