Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
