Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
