I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
