Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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