Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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