How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
