guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize