well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
