I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
