just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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