i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
