the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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