Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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