Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
