Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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