I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
