I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
