finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
