Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
