your parents love me but you hate me
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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