She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
