Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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