Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
