If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
