Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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