I accidentally had phone sex last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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