M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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