getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
