So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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